After The Affair

Hello my name is Charlie Hodgson and I am a chief investigator at private investigators UK. I have had many years’ experience in investigating people to see if they are cheating and I find the most challenging part of my job is telling someone their partner is having affair and helping them move forward after the affair had been discovered.

No matter how prepared the person is or how strong they are, I can always hear the distress in their replies once I have uttered the words “I am very certain that your partner is cheating“.

In my experience peoples distress tends to come out in different ways, for example:

Most react with an emotion of utter devastation – Either in their reply or in their tears you can hear the pain of their world falling apart around them. You can hear the utter devastation as all the love, happiness, comfort and security the relationship with their partner brought evaporate in a matter of moments.

Others react with a strange feeling of relief – relief that they are not going mad; that they now know; that all the sleepless night are over. This initial relief quickly changes into a strange mixture of relief and sorrow as they realize their partner is cheating on them, and within a few minutes their feelings move to one of utter devastation.

Some say nothing at all – they seem to go into a state of numbness. The sheer speed in which their lives change seems to blow a fuse in their brains and I have listened to sometimes minutes of silence before they speak again.

Others react with denial – they react angrily, calling us liars. I will show them some of the incriminating photos and video to support my statement, some will get angrier and argue that the evidence has been faked. I do not blame them for reacting like this. Who wants the life they know and love to be over? But sooner rather than later they realize I am telling the truth and most again move to a feeling of utter devastation.

Whatever their reaction, at private investigators UK, we spend time being a friendly ear and listen to them as the waves of emotion crash over them. We think it’s important to let the emotional storm pass before leaving them.

Once they came down from the initial shock, the question many people ask us is: What do I do next? Although we are not counselors and have no medically training so we cannot offer any medical advice, we have 3 ideas that passed clients have found very helpful in their hour of need that I would like to share with you.

Idea 1 – Take Some Time Out

Ultimately many of our clients want to ask their partners “Why?” either quietly or in a very aggressive manner. “Why have you done this to me? Why have you done this to us?” I would suggest taking a day or 2 to think things through. Go to a hotel, to a friend or visit a family member. Pick someone who going to listen to you but also is going to be objective. While I understand you may want to let out all the emotion and you want someone to understand and agree with how you feel, you need to pick someone who also understands you, yes is going to listen but also is going to give you sound practical advice about what to do next. You need to look at all the angles, especially if you have children or are financially involved with your partner, because what you decide to do next will have a big impact on your future. While confronting them straight way may make you feel better for a short time we have found clients that have stepped back and taken time to look at the bigger picture are much happier in the long run.

Idea 2 – Contact a Professional

While you may not have decided whether want to split from your partner contacting a solicitor will help you gather all the facts. Most solicitors offer a free half hour consultation and give you an idea of legally where you stand, and if you do later decide to split from your partner a solicitor will advise you on the evidence you need to collect to prove adultery. Also find a relationship or marriage counsellor to find out what they have to offer. If you want to go down the reconciliation route this gives you an understanding of what to expect and also the routes open to you so you can move forward with your partner. Again most counsellors offer a free half hour consultation and allow you to bring a friend for support if you feel you need one. Clients that have sort professional advice before confronting their partners describe how they feel much more in control and how much clearer their heads feel.

Idea 3 – How To Confronting Your Partner

Once you have all the facts think through and get a clear plan before confronting your partner. While I understand emotions are running high, and I agree they should be part of the discussion, you also need to discuss the practicalities of why the affair happened and how the two of you are going to move forward. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your partner alone, consider having someone neutral present, whether that be a mutual friend or a professional such as a mediator. Be strong in the meeting and make sure you discuss all the points that you planned to discuss. Clients that had a clear plan of how they were going to confront their partner, and then implemented their plan, describe feeling as though they had made a positive step forward in moving on from the affair. They describe the feeling of their lives “being out of control” start to turn around into a feeling of “being back in control” of their lives.

Just a final thought. I know finding out your partner has cheated feels like the end of the world but over the years I have had 100s of clients whose partners cheated on them contact me to tell me that they are now living a happy and more rewarding life. Some stayed together and some separated but with determination and help from family, friends and experts they have come through the other side and have built better lives! As the old saying goes: what does not kill you makes you stronger!